delusion
A delusion is commonly defined as a fixed false belief and is used in everyday language to describe a belief that is either false, fanciful or derived from deception. In psychiatry, the definition is necessarily more precise and implies that the belief is pathological (the result of an illness or illness process).
Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness, although they are not tied to any particular disease and have been found to occur in the context of many pathological states (both physical and mental). However, they are of particular diagnostic importance in psychotic disorders and particularly in schizophrenia. -- wikipedia.org
Over the thirty years of working within the paratheatre medium we have been developing, I have encountered many forms of delusion within myself and in the attitudes, behaviors and actions of others. Before addressing the central and critical issue of self-delusion, certain intentions must be clarified, like, what is it that we are actually doing and why are we doing it ?
WHAT WE DO AND WHY WE DO IT
What, in essence, we are doing in this work can be described as a very gradual kind of hollowing out of ourselves -- our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies -- of the toxic, culturally-conditioned jetsom and flotsam (randomly absorbed assumptions, fixed ideas, self-images, belief systems, dogmas, etc) that we have been raised with and fed since birth. This often difficult molting process demands that we learn to distinguish between our more socially-accepted and politically correct responses and ideas and, our true thoughts, impulses and feelings.
This quest can often lead to a certain renunciation of second-hand, twice-boiled information in lieu of turning to direct experience as a source of spiritual authority. We are restoring the capacity for, and trust in, firsthand experience within the autonomy and integrity of each individual. We are working towards becoming as vessels for the containment of, and vehicles for the expression of, our true nature.
Throughout this self-work -- one of the reasons for doing paratheatre -- we engage numerous ritual forms designed to evoke the existing conditions of our lives, whatever their nature may be. In the initiatory phases of this work we learn to refrain from judging, preconceiving or trying to predict the outcome of these rituals. Why ? To minimize trivializing our experience by allowing the conscious mind to dictate its direction and meaning. How something appears -- or how we wish it to appear -- is not nearly as valuable to us at this stage as the existing conditions of its true nature. If life itself is sacred -- as we assume it to be -- then, recognizing and accepting the fact that something exists carries its own inherent value.
Since all these rituals begin in the deep receptivity of the no-form stance, their contents cannot be predetermined and are often unpredictable. Simple one-word cues -- such as "masculine" or "feminine" or "earth", etc. -- are suggested to trigger the living psychospiritual dynamics percolating beneath the threshold of the conscious mind which, when sufficiently disciplined, can participate as an active witness (rather than the tyrannical blabbermouth it has often been conditioned into).
It is important to note that these rituals are not designed to engage concepts of realities but actual realities and forces currently governing (if latent) each individual psyche, whether conscious mind accepts it or not. In the repeated exposures of oneself to oneself -- of the contents of subconscious material to the conscious mind -- we can witness that psychic crossroads where the seeds of self-delusion often germinate and sprout their hybrids of folly and madness. And where they can be nipped in the bud before they blossomsand bear fruit.
This crossroads between conscious and subconscious is not just a breeding ground for self-delusion but also a launching pad for self-transformation, not just fleeting states of change but also the lasting transformations of the being itself. This is why I firmly believe that anyone embarking on a path of real transformation must also be aware of the perils and pitfalls that await and, self-delusion is one of the more commonplace and one of the most dangerous.
DEEP AND MEANINGLESS EXPERIENCES
The ritual labs conducted within the framework of ParaTheatrical ReSearch offer a rich palate of pathways and techniques for accessing the internal landscape in very dynamic and sometimes cathartic ways. With enough practice they can lead to emotionally charged events arousing great feeling, insight, revelation and meaningful epiphany about oneself and one's place in the cosmos. However, any experience -- no matter how profound at the time -- that cannot be applied to one's daily life and/or integrated as an aspect of one's personality, becomes transitory memory at best. It becomes a deep and meaningless experience.
These in-depth yet essentially insignificant events can lead to self-delusion whenever we assume that the initial experience itself was enough to change our lives. Without the follow-through and consistent application of our "ritual realizations", we can easily fall under our own spell of thinking we are doing something when, in fact, we are only thinking we are doing something. What actually "gets done" is self-delusion. To continue seeking meaningful "ritual rushes", without applying or integrating their insights into the larger fabric of life outside the lab setting, sets up a delusory "escapist" relationship with the paratheatre work itself.
In this self-delusion one comes to lab with the underlying intention of escaping the drudgery of daily mundane existence and hopefully through some emotionally charged and spiritually intoxicating event, a ritual rush. It's not unlike the Friday night drunken debauch after working 9 to 5 all week or going to church on Sundays to relieve one's guilt. This kind of self-delusion can be curbed by testing and applying one's lab work in daily life.
For example, anyone can practice no-form while waiting in line at the grocery store or let's say, incorporate the earth as a source while jogging or walking somewhere or maybe express more respect of the personal space of those with whom you are in relationship. There are countless ways to unobtrusively apply ritual techniques and insights to everyday routines, affairs and meetings. And, in doing so, begin to integrate them as part of the life you are actually living.
Without any ongoing application of ritual experiences and insights, how easy it is to lapse back into previous habits and behaviors as if nothing happened. Why is this ? Because without some integration and transmission of meaningful experiences nothing really did happen or, can happen. Ponder this. Just because something feels meaningful when it happens doesn't necessarily mean it will continue that way, beyond our emotional memory of that moment, if it cannot also be enacted, embodied, shared or related somehow.
Our most cherished, unintegrated impresssions feed the wellspring of our memory bank where they gradually transform into the very sediment of our souls. Here these emotionally-charged images remain within the sphere of our innermost lives with little access to the outside world of others. Isolation ensues. As this internal sediment grows richer with layers upon layers of unintegrated experiences, so do the personalities they support slowly implode under the cumbersome weight of self-absorbtion.
For those involved in archetypal ritual processes it may not be enough to merely experience or "understand" ourselves. We must also summon tremendous commitment to build and maintain the bridge between the soul's vast internal landscape and the external world of other people and events. This bridge-building process constitutes the central work of true Self-initiation, where neither the inner life of the soul nor the outer events of others matters as much as the fibers maintaining their connectivity.
NEGATIVE INFLATION: THE "POOR BABY" SYNDROME
Sometimes paratheatre work can ignite a kind of epistemological crisis if and when our current values are exposed as meaningless, trivial and/or worthless. We can be thrown into an emotional downward spiral of diminishing self-worth if we cannot stop judging our failures to live up to certain premeditated expectations and standards. Or perhaps we are confronted with an inner emptyness or lack of spirituality in our lives and feel unworthy of God's love or we become very angry with the greedy, godless existence we see around us. Or maybe we sink fast into self-pity and cannot stop weeping over our perceived wretched condition. No matter what the cause or the symptoms, when our spirit is crushed by negativity of any kind we suffer from negative inflation; more on "positive" inflation later (the messy messianic complex).
Whether the ego inflates positively (expands) or negatively (shrinks) the focus remains fixated on itself; with both negative and positive inflation, we take ourselves way too seriously. The excessive self-importance of negative inflation manifests in various forms of the passive martyr complex or, the "poor baby" syndrome, one of the more dramatic ways to drain your power and ravage the energetic body.
Paratheatre work activates the energetic body, making it impossible to continue doing this work in any state of heavy negative inflation. It is like trying to drive a car with an empty gas tank. A supply of emotional energy is required, lest the rituals become rote, contrived or superficially "play-acted". Emotional energy is siphoned by the self-important dramas of the "poor baby" syndrome and its endlessly unfavorable comparisons with others, with the world, with God. To break the cycle of negativity, the nature of emotion must be more closely examined.
I have experienced negative inflation (with me it has been 'apathy') as a natural response to whatever seems like an impossible task or endeavor. It is totally understandable to feel ineffective, helpless and inadequate in the face of any hurdle perceived as insurmountable or hopeless. However, feelings of helplessness are not the same as being helpless. Feelings of inadequacy are not the same thing as an inadequacy of being. When negative emotions are mistakenly identifed with, we become self-deluded into believing they are absolutes. Emotions are not absolute; they just feel that way.
Whatever we perceive as impossible tends to be biased by past experience. It does not accurately reflect the present time reality of whether something is actually impossible or not. That only becomes self-evident after our firsthand experience of facing the hurdle itself or the resistance or whatever has elicited a negative reaction. When any resistance is resisted, it buffers us from the direct experience. When we allow ourselves to experience any resistance directly -- to sanctify and source the resistance -- we can engage it as energy and not spin out on our negative reactions to it. There is the source of energy and then, our reactions to the source. Two events: the source, our reactions to the source.
To defuse the poor baby syndrome, we must realize two things: 1) it's not our fault and 2) it's not personal. The entire society we live in (thanks, in part, to a misguided interpretation of Christianity) feeds the poor baby syndrome. Poor baby...it's everywhere. Learn to accept a yourself; revolt against the poor baby style of harsh self-judgment. Take full responsibility for your own well being and safety. Become your own mom and dad.
More on creating safety at Paratheatre Lab Prerequisites
POSITIVE INFLATION: THE MESSY MESSIANIC COMPLEX
Conscious surrender to, and embodiment of, archetypal energies -- an important ritual talent -- results in an inflation of ego, or self-image. By itself, this is a natural phase of ego development. As we open up to more contrary aspects of our true nature we also warm up to our totality, a living experience demonstrating how the sum of our parts lead to a greater sense of the whole self we are embracing. We discover the joy of being good enough to be bad sometimes, intelligent enough to confess ignorance, free enough to afford dependencies, strong enough to be weak...all dynamic processes of Self-realization where the ego, or self-image, plays a small and subordinate role. When ego inflation stops serving anything greater than its own process of expansion, we become self-deluded. Remember the phrase, "a small and subordinate role"; it might help expose and defuse the self-delusion of the messy messianic complex.
When key emotional needs go frustrated -- the needs for belonging, status, support, power, a sense of one's own territory -- the ego becomes insecure and desperate to merge and identify with the larger, more powerful archetype of The Self. In doing so, we get "shot up with ourselves" and the ego puffs up and inflates. This can lead to confusing the ego for The Self -- the ego is sourced, not The Self -- resulting in attitudes, behavior and actions showing off excessive self-importance. One becomes more easily offended and/or loses a sense of humor about oneself. One takes oneself way too seriously and expects others to follow suit. When these expectations are met by others, our ego is supported by them and our self-delusion maintained in their company. When these expectations are not met, our bubble is burst and the fantasy, disrupted.
The Conversion Experience
Another symptom of the messianic complex arrives as a compulsion to convert others to one's own beliefs, beliefs that are falsely assumed to be absolute truths or realities. As this self-delusion escalates , the ego bloats by seeing itself as a kind of master, messiah or saviour figure stridently rallying others behind a cause for unification behind one's absolute vision. These conversion tactics often erupt as a reflex following a genuine religious-type conversion experience where one experiences God and naturally wants to share that vision.
In the conversion experience, conscious mind and ego undergo a total submersion in subconscious depths producing a kind of quasi-mystical union and/or a psychotic break, depending on whether the individual ego can be distinguished from the subconscious contents or remain submerged and extinguished. A warning for the messianically deluded: Distinguish yourself or be extinguished. The ego can eventually be distinguished by persistent disidentification from subconscious contents; one learns to relate with the archetypes, rather than become them.
As power loss increases, the messianically deluded can overlook the personal boundaries of others in attempts to gain control of their own out of control lives. Sometimes this involves attempts to manipulate or coerice others into sharing the premises of one's own delusions, ie., "my vision is the vision of all humanity." When these messianic assumptions are questioned or refuted by skeptical others, hostility and aggression can easily arise and this is when self-delusion can enter the more dangerous territory of paranoia.
Scapegoats and Persecution
Paranoid delusions often require an external scapegoat or an outside enemy image to justify the "rightness' of its visions, beliefs and dogmas. These "enemies" can be larger governing bodies -- such as actual governments or political leaders or entire socioeconomic castes -- to mirror the bloated sense of self-importance inherent to the messianic complex. Scapegoats can also be any individuals that personify an opposition to the self-deluded person's cherished beliefs. In more extreme cases of self-denial, the "enemy" can be painted as a vilification of the ego itself. A kind of reversal of the persecution complex can occur where others are painted as the egotistical, self-important ones. When this projected scapegoat complex backfires, the self-deluded person becomes the inadvertant object or target of persecution him/herself. Who is the kettle that calls the pot black ?
If it has not gone too far, the messianic complex can be remedied by carefully enforced isolation to gradually deflate the ego back to "body size". For example, the self-deluded person can participate in a ten-day Vipassana Meditation retreat or if they are strong enough, spend four or five days camping in the wilderness. If an especially charismatic person suffers from a messianic complex, their powers of persuasion can be such that most of their delusions are maintained and supported by others ("my people") and why enforced isolation can be especially useful.
Another measure of freedom from this kind of delusion can be achieved by strengthening our receptive capacity to listen and pay attention to others without immediately verballizing self-referential commentaries ("that's what I do" or "I feel just like that, too"). By seeing others in their own light and hearing out their stories we strengthen our capacity for receptivity, so often buried or crushed in the heat of self-delusion, as the unforced openness of brilliant sanity.
THE CRITICAL SOLVENT OF NO-FORM AND OTHER EGO-CORROSIVE ACTIONS
Perhaps one of the more effective strategies to defuse the positive inflation of the Messianic complex can be found in the realm of ego-corrosive actions, or how we can place ourselves in service to others. This can take on any number of forms, from actions that serve the alleviation of the suffering of others to assisting those who cannot help themselves to putting oneself in hard physical labor. Note: Ego-corrosive actions, however, are not for everybody. Those with more fragile egos or who cannot endure or stomach the suffering of others, may not find it as useful.
No-Form as an Ego-solvent
In this paratheatre medium each and every ritual encounter with archetypal dynamics begins and ends in no-form, a standing Zazen meditation technique dedicated to disidentifying with any preconception, image, force, idea or belief, in order to establish personal intimacy with nothingness, with void, and giving expression to this nothingness. No-Form represents a state of potential energy that has not manifested yet. In no-form, we return to the state of being nothing; being nobody.
The deeper the immersion and identification with any archetypal dynamics and forces, the more powerful and charged the experience. As we gain deeper access to the internal landscape of the archetypes, we must also deepen our no-form practice for balance lest we risk self-delusion by walking away after the ritual believing we are gods or goddesses, or demons and angels, when in fact we have become big-head egos. It is for this very reason that after each ritual (in this paratheatre medium), we diligently return to the no-form stance to discharge and disidentify with subconscious contents. Development in this paratheatre medium depends on cultivating a deeper commitment to this No-Form practice and why those who continue this work become naturally humbled by it.
Breaking the Trance of Certitude
Generally speaking, self-delusion seems to result from suffering the illusion of our certainty, of becoming too damn sure about ourselves, our place in the cosmos, who we are or what society or the universe is or should be. We delude ourselves by fixating on, or getting stuck on, any picture, image, idea, vision, belief or assumption that becomes an absolute in our minds. The self-deluded mind grows brittle and rigid, confusing opinions for facts. In this delusion, we become unwilling to bend and relax our grip on "the truth" to settle into a more receptive and respectful position such as "my truth", "your truth" and the truth we sometimes share.
To break the trance of excessive certitude, make an effort to read books and magazines that hold no previous personal interest or gain for you. See if you can find a points of interest beyond your previous beliefs. Attend social gatherings where you know nobody and where the purpose of the activity holds no previous fascination for you. Spend a day or two without looking into any mirror. Find other ways to reference yourself beyond the reflection of your physical form. See if you can live a day without a self-image, or wothout fixating on any idea of who you are or should be.
All these e go-corrosive actions involve getting your attention off yourself as you have previosuly known yourself. Other ways of getting your attention off yourself might include serving the well-being of others and/or the alleviation of their suffering. Whether that means comforting the dying in hospitals or assisting the elderly or volunteering at soup kitchens or going out of your way to help someone in need, what matters here is getting your attention off yourself.
Playing with Children and Intense Physical Activity
Working with children, as a teacher and/or performer, can also serve as an effective ego-corrosive. As honest and open as most children can be, self-important adults either learn to have more fun playing at making fools of themselves or they cower away to save face. Children act as teachers to us in this way; one only has to spend an entire afternoon with a five year old to discover as much.
Hard physical labor can also humble the inflated ego. Whether you sign up for a personal trainer to put you through your paces in a fitness training program or, initiate your own regime to feeling your body deeply, a regular schedule of intense physical activity can be a very simple and direct way of keeping the ego close to body-size.
The act of getting your attention off yourself initiates an important skill and a critical balance for anyone working in artistic and creative mediums accentuating self-discovery and self-expression. I think ego-corrosive actions should be mandatory for every artist and apprentice expecting to develop their craft. When enough selfhood is achieved, it's only natural then to share ourselves with others and perhaps discover those luminous moments of self-transcendence where all experience approaches the miraculous.
(also see "A Human Sacrifice" by Matt Mitler, director, Theatre Group Dzieci, NYC )
feedback, questions:
noform@paratheatrical.com
